Stray Thoughts Run Amok

Stream of Consciousness of a Four Year Old

While in the bathroom, turns on the water then immediately turns it off. I hear this from the other room and immediately step in.
Me: “Oh no, turn that back on and count to twenty”
Charlie: “Fine”
“One, two, ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ, now I know my ABCs, next time won’t you sing with me. Ready or not, here I come.”

And another day, at bedtime. #

Charlie: "Smell my hand."
Me: "What? Wait, why?"
Charlie: "Because it smells gross!"

And yet again, during a different bedtime. #

Charlie: “how do you say ‘argh, matey’?”
Charlie: “oh yeah” and with a deeper, raspier inflection “Argh, matey”
Charlie: while squinting with one eye “hoist the mainsail”

And a little later #

Me: “stop touching my head”
Charlie: while petting my hair “you’re a good kitty”
"Good kitty"

During bedtime again #

Charlie: “dad, want to hear this?”
Me: “no”
Charlie: ignoring me and in a sing song voice “ my middle finger doesn’t want to go up...”

Meow Sequitur #

Charlie: “dad, is it nice to say small when you’re small?”
Me: “I don’t know what you mean”
Charlie: “meow”

Office supplies #

Charlie about a picture of two senators: “Who are those people?”
Me: “They’re people who work for the government”
Charlie: “Where are they?”
Me: “It depends”
Charlie: “Well where do they make them?”
Me: “Make what?”
Charlie: “The pens?!”

Who's really the boss? #

At bedtime he inches over and lays across my chest covering up my iPad
Me: “Stop laying on me”
Charlie: “You’re not the boss of me”

Just after the 2020 election #

Upon seeing a picture of Kamala Harris
Charlie: “Does she sing songs?”
Me: “No, she’s going to be the next vice-president of the United States”
Charlie: “She has a microphone”
Me: “Well that’s because she’s talking to people”
Charlie: “I bet she sings songs”

Strange games #

Charlie: “I want to play a game”
Me: “No, you’re going to bed”
Sticks his tongue out
Charlie: “Let’s play the game where we lick your beard”

Being a father #

Charlie: “I wish I could be a dad”
Me: “Well maybe someday you will be”
Charlie: “Then I’d eat a bunch of salad and carrots and ...”

Cold hands #

So he says to me, “can you hold my hand?”
I’m not really paying attention so I put out my hand without looking at him. A moment later I feel this sick, cold, hard thing in my hand. He was “holding” my hand with his back scratcher and giggling like an idiot.

Just a feeling #

The cat is stalking around us making Charlie a bit nervous.
Charlie says to me “yeah, don’t punch the kitty or he’ll scratch you”
And I reply “yeah, you don’t wan- wait, how do you know he’ll scratch you if you punch him?”
I heard many pleas of innocence but I don’t believe any of them.

In the bathroom #

Me: ok, stop fooling around and wash your hands
Charlie: (in monotone) ok ... ok ... ok ... (turning on water to wash hands) water can kill me... ok .... ok .... ok

I tried #

Me: "lay down Charlie"
Charlie: "no, I want to talk"
Me: "ok. lay down or I leave. Good talk"
Charlie: "nice try"